Hello everyone, I hope that you are well, that you are keeping safe and coping in such emotionally challenging times.
Since the start of the Coronavirus and the first cases that were confirmed at the end of January in the UK and the continued escalation of deaths each day since, I have been experiencing a great deal of trauma. This pandemic is on our doorstep lingering within reach, and I am sure that like me you are also experiencing trauma too. How could you not be, the fear, panic and isolation alone on top of the knowledge that anyone of us could die or lose a loved one by this invisible perpetrator, is a huge weight to bare.
These feelings are exasperated for those of us who have experienced the loss of a loved one through a violent or unexpected sudden death. We are all too aware of the pain that we felt when we were told that we could not be with our loved one and were unable to say goodbye to them in their final moments.
Josh was murdered in a unmerciful knife attack resulting in an incised wound to his neck. The wound was so severe that it caused Josh to suffocate on his own blood. In Josh’s final moments he tried desperately hard to hold on to his life and one of the ways in which he did this was by fighting to fill his lungs with air, so that he could keep on breathing.
Today marks four and a half years without Josh and yesterday I read over a lot of the newspaper articles of that fateful night. I have also been revisiting events from that night more than usual because I have been having flashbacks which are being caused by triggers.
Watching the various footage on the news and reading the many accounts by professionals of people struggling to breath who have been infected with the Coronavirus, brings close the image of Josh struggling to do the same. This image has always been with me and will never leave me but it not in the background of my mind at this moment in time, it is right in front of me as for each person that I see struggling for breath, I also see Josh.
I am also very anxious, and I think that if I become infected will I feel how Josh felt as he lay on the floor dying. I ashamedly pray that I don’t become infected as the thought of dying while trying to fight for breath like Josh did fills me with dread. I feel guilty for wanting to stay alive as I remember the days, weeks, months and years of asking God to let me die because I could not see a future without Josh. So with this in mind my blog is dedicated to the thousands of those who have lost their lives in recent months and I want to reach out to all of the families, friends, work colleagues and neighbours of those who have lost their loved ones lives to this unforgiving virus.
I want to tell you that you will feel pain like no other, you will be lost and in profound shock and in a very dark place, but you will survive because you will want to make changes in memory of your loved one. You will want to honour them and you will be spurred on by the urgency to make this world a better place, to make change and to educate others. You will do incredible things to help make life more bearable for those in need. You will also give hope to many by sharing your lived experiences, who will desperately need a helping hand. In time you will be a beacon of light and you will lift up those who will be struggling to cope with life while you share your pain and your survival.
When my darling boy’s soul left his body, part of him stayed with me long enough for me to lift the veil up of utter despair that I carried around with me like a comfort blanket. He made sure that I would find the strength to get him justice and along the way push for positive change while helping others. I get up everyday knowing that I will push on in memory of Josh and a leave a legacy for my beautiful son who had a smile for everyone.
Please don’t give up hope, hold on and pray to your loved ones, to your God’s , to the Universe, Mother Nature etc. Reach out and speak to your family, friends, professionals, helplines or strangers, these simple things will give you the strength you need at this very difficult time.
Human beings are incredible and the majority of the earth’s population are kind, caring and compassionate and no more so than the millions of the emergency service providers who put their lives on the line everyday to keep us safe. I am humbled by their bravery and tenacity and by their determination to fight each day while saving lives when they could lose their own.
Stay strong everyone, stay safe and follow all of the government guidelines to save your life and the lives of others. With love always, Tracey, Brooke and Josh ???? #4andahalfyearstoday #inmemoryofourlovedones #staysafe #stayhomesavelifes
