Hello everyone, I hope you are all well.
I have been forced to live with grief since Josh’s murder, I live with a huge loss, extreme heartache, and an emptiness that has left a massive void and I really don’t know what to do, I feel so lost and lonely because no one, not a single living human being can help me. I don’t know ‘why’ I have the life that I do, or how I cope everyday but I do?
I ask myself the question ‘why’ did this have to happen to Josh? and I ask it so many times during the day and each time I have to dig deeper and deeper and deeper to try and find an answer or something that feels like an answer, anything, that will help my brain to compartmentalise ‘why’?
The past month like the many before and no doubt the many more to come has been challenging. I have had to barter and bargain, challenge and compromise but worst of all I have had to try and stop my heart from just giving in. I wake up in a panic and I go to bed in one, the panic is worse at these times because these are the times when I open or close my eyes without a distraction like the ones I put in place throughout the day. Distractions keep me busy and help me to avoid the quite and the unanswerable question, why.
I can not make sense of my life, I can not make sense of what has happened to Josh and I find myself moving forward in the familiar thick fog that I now call my shield. The fog is there for a reason, to protect me from the clear reality of my life that is now filled with a loneliness and emptiness without my beautiful Josh.
My beautiful Josh the young 21 year old man who wanted nothing from me other than that of being his ‘Mum’ a mum that loved him no matter what, a mum that would give him anything, a mum who loved every single fibre of his being, a mum that never judged him, a mum that helped him overcome his fears and a mum that would have died in a heartbeat to have ensured that he would have lived his best life, until he was old and grey.
My grief gets replaced with hot tears, heartache gets replaced with determination to get justice, emptiness gets replaced with doing all that I can for others, and loss well loss gets replaced with love. My love for Josh has nowhere to go here on earth but it soars and it shines from within my heart and my very being to him on his spiritual plane and I know he feels it because he tells me in his own special ways.
I guess that is why my heart hasn’t given in yet and maybe that is how I cope, because while my darling angel needs his Mum’s love he also needs me to do all that I can to help others. And I cope because when I close my eyes for the last time and I am asked what did you do with your life, I want to be able to say that I did my very best to help others and that I left a legacy of love in my Son’s memory and today was another day where I did just that.
And today I Co presented with the Herfordshire Constabulary CYP Gangs & Schools Team at Watford FC CSE Trust and while my emotions took over during the presentation Josh was there, and as you all saw, he was willing me to continue to share his story. I am really looking forward to working with you all again and thank you all for your heartfelt and warm reception. ???#3years #8months #justiceforjoshhanson #stopknifecrime #livesnotknives
