Hello everyone I hope you are all well.
This morning I have again opened my eyes with the feeling of pain and the ache of loss. This has been the same as every other morning since the day I was informed that my beautiful Son Joshua Sean was no longer alive.
In the past three months every second, hour, day and night is filled with memories. Memories are all that I have of Josh now along with pictures of him, his belongings and every inch of our home now filled with the constant reminder of his absence.
It is said that ”Time is a great healer” or ”You will learn to cope and adjust” or ”God only takes the good ones”. Well from my perspective as they are MY feelings and experience I speak of, time is not what will heal me. I and only I am in charge of my healing process and I will never heal, my heart will always ache. I will learn to cope and adjust as this is what I have done from the very second I had no choice but to. God takes the good ones? not for me he hasn’t, God is looking after him he didn’t take him he received him.
Josh was taken from us and the man the police would like to speak to in connection with my Son’s murder has still not been found. I will not share this man’s name in this post as it breaks me into tiny pieces each and every time I have to see my Son’s name next to his. It also breaks my heart and causes me so much pain to see my Son’s beautiful face alongside the face of the said man. But I will continue to keep raising awareness and driving our #JusticeforJoshHanson campaign forward until my Son does not have to share these pages with him.
I know that Brooke Louise Lyla Hanson, Lucie Grace, our families and all of our friends, along with you the public feel the same. I know this because I see the pain on everyone’s face and read the many thousands of messages that share this pain too. I also know this because your support never wanes and for that I am truly grateful.
These past couple of weeks have taken me to a very dark place, place’s I thought I had visited before through life’s experiences. However there is no pain as dark as this, it’s comes like a wave that I turn my back on knowing that it will hit me anyway. I brace myself and wait for it to take me and then hold on until it subsides. I dig deep down within myself and lean on my faith and prayers to guide me through these darkest of times. I pray to Josh while catching my breath and wiping away my tears, to send me a sign to let me know he is happy and watching over us.
I feel Josh around me when my days are easier to cope with and I believe that when he has to be elsewhere it is then that the darkest days come. I am happy to share Josh’s spiritual absence because I know when he is not with me he will be with you. Why would he be any different now? it is what he had always done when he was here in body. Josh had a lot of love to give and he did just that and for those of you who experienced it you were blessed. For those of you that didn’t I am sure you are now for I know he sends people to me who give me hope, people whom I would never have met before.
I look for the signs and smile when he is here, and I take comfort knowing that Josh through God’s guidance will see that justice is served.
I am so proud of my beautiful daughter she has stayed strong alongside me through the worst experience of her life. She is truly remarkable and Josh would be brimming with pride when he stands next to her.
The Sun is shining and bright in the sky as I write this and I know it is Josh saying ”stay strong Mum”.
God bless, Tracey ❤️