As each day goes by I am finding it harder and harder to accept that my Son Josh is no longer a part of my life. Today marks 3 years and 5 months without justice for him and I am no closer to getting the answers to my questions as to why, why someone could take my Son’s life a life that he lived to the full. Josh had only been in the RE Bar for 15 minutes or so when he was murdered in an unprovoked knife attack. He really was so very special, he was loving and kind, generous and funny and he packed as much as he could into every single day during his short life?
My heart is truly broken, I can feel the pain in my chest and my grief is unbearable. Sometimes it comes at me from nowhere and other times from everywhere, this could be anytime day or night, when I least expect it and sometimes when I do, but it is always unique and it always leaves me feeling like a different version of myself all over again.
On Saturday I was watching a series called After Life on Netflix about a man who’s wife dies of Cancer and throughout the series you see him watch a video of her that she has left him with instructions on how to live his life without her. In it he kicks and screams his way through grief, sadness, loss and self destruction with the threat of taking his life everyday and sharing this with everyone in his life. While watching it I laughed and I cried again and again and at one point I had a flashback because I felt the same way as him. Bearing in mind that while I am watching it I am thinking about Josh the whole time but I have a flashback of Josh in his coffin, what his body looked like inside it while being carried into the church. It hit me so hard that my anxiety went into overdrive, I looked at Josh’s photo his big smile staring back at me and then my eyes looked at his resting place to the right and then and there in that moment I allow myself to really look and accept that Josh’s body is now just ashes, all of him, every part of what was once my beautiful Son’s body, the one that I could hug and hold is now in a small box on a shelf. I cried and cried but still not enough to allow my grief to flow freely because I need every part of me to continue to fight for justice and if I truly let go I know that I will not stop.
Please whenever you can hold your loved ones close, tell them you love them, give them a kiss and a smile and take pictures and videos that you can watch whenever they are away from you and remember that those that you truly love from the heart are the most precious gifts that we have in life.
I love you Josh with my heart and my soul and I thank you for sending me love each and everyday, and I thank you for allowing me to be your Mum for 21 years 💙😇🙏🏻 #justiceforjoshhanson