3 years and 2 months on this earth, living and breathing without you here Josh, is for me, even though I am living it, truly unbelievable.
How am I doing it, how Josh? I know that you wished you could tell me face to face, I know you wished you could show me what there is waiting for me after my time here is done and I know you want to appear before me just like you have done with Nanna but you know best, don’t you? You know what my journey here is going to look like and you know how I would more than likely try and find a way to leave here if you came to me because right now and maybe forever if I saw you I would want to go to you.
I woke up at 4 this morning and lay there having flashbacks to the day and time when your life was horrifically and barbarically taken from you. I replayed it all step by step and cried and cried and cried knowing now what I didn’t know then, that I would not be able to touch you, to hold you, to comfort you in any way because when I arrived you had been pronounced dead and where you lay was a crime scene and I couldn’t go to you because I might have contaminated you or it!
You know that I would have held you don’t you Josh, you know that I would have washed the blood from your broken body and you know that I would have dressed you and brought your body somewhere safe, you know that right? You also know how broken that I am when I was told that you now belong to an investigation and that I no longer had rights as your Mum to make any decisions about your body until 6 weeks later at the funeral parlour. You know how this breaks me apart every minute of everyday don’t you?
These thoughts and all of the other thoughts that I now live with are part of my new DNA they are there stored in my mind in a room with a sign on the door that’s called Tracey Hanson, Trauma – Complicated Grief.
That room will always be there, forever and a day because it is me now, it is part of who I am and until we get justice for you the door will only open a little bit at a time. Gently the emotions peep out from behind that door and just long enough for me to feel that excruciating pain, and then it gently closes again and I breathe and wipe my tears away because my energy is to continue our fight for justice and to help prevent this from happening to another family while I leave a positive legacy in your name.
Today I sat amongst organisations at a Safeguarding Forum for Children/Young People and Families, who’s jobs are to reach families, young children and adults and who are flagged up in the system as being the most vulnerable who in in most of those cases are being exploited and groomed. I sat there as eager as ever wanting to do whatever I can to help find ways to support them through our charity and the whole time I knew that you were sitting there right beside me, my friend, my Son, my angel, giving me the strength and determination to keep sharing your story, a story about a beautiful young man who had the rest of his life taken away from him.
I love you my darling boy and I hope that one day soon you come to me and smile that knowing smile that we shared and that I will be stronger and stay here, to continue to fight for you and many more, without wanting to follow you.
If anyone would like to help share and display the wanted poster please get in touch and for anyone who would like to be involved in our charity please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org I would love to hear from you.