The months seem to be flying by and time for me like so many others like me who have lost a child to a violent act of murder or manslaughter find that time really doesn’t mean anything anymore. Two years and 7 months ago at this time 6.00am, I was on my way back home having had to leave Josh on the floor where he died, in the RE Bar Eastcote (now GEO Bar) laying in a pool of his own blood. I did not want to leave my baby on his own but I had to come back to tell my Mum, Josh’s Nanna that he had been murdered and to bring her to my house while I got ready to go back to be with him. I stayed there with him, outside, across the road behind the blue and white tape, waiting until his body was brought out of there. My beautiful Son had been laying on the floor for 15 and a half hours, he had been on his own, as I was not allowed inside, covered in a white sheet, while a team of forensic experts walked around him while they carried out their work.
It is not like the programmes you watch on TV or like the part of the film where the call is made to the family to tell them their loved one has been murdered and then forensics turn up at the scene and then you watch the scene of an autopsy take place and then the funeral all in a fifteen minute clip. It is not as organised or as straightforward, it is surreal, a dream, another place in time where everyone involved is just doing their job and all the while life has stopped for you and your life as you once knew it. You become a new version of yourself, you are now in profound shock, you are traumatised, empty and a robotic shell. You walk through life feeling every wrong and every injustice, and you can only find common ground with others who have experienced such pain. It is hard to fit in because you feel so different now, if I smile or laugh I feel strange as my brain is still trying to process what has happened, is this ok, should I be smiling? How can you, your Son has been murdered, he is no longer here, why are you? These are just some of the questions that run through my mind, there are different ones for every single thing that I do, all day everyday the conversation in my head never stops.
I don’t get the Monday blues because I am going back in to work after a weekend of socialising, I don’t get the Friday feeling at the end of the week either. I don’t look forward to anything anymore unless it has something to do with or about Josh, more importantly doing everything I can so that he can rest in peace.
The 11th of each month marks another month without justice for Josh and a reflection of what my life has been like the past 4 weeks. I exist to see that justice is carried out for my Son while doing all I can to seek out another opportunity to get the Wanted Poster seen by as many people in the world as I can, in the hope that we receive a call to say that SOB has been spotted, arrested and is in now in custody awaiting trial.
My average day is spent fighting, fighting for justice, fighting to speak to those that hold positions in our government who make the decisions as to whether or not SOB will be put on to Interpol’s most wanted list along with any other crime agencies most wanted list out there that I have yet to find out about too. I fight the system because it is a system that doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. Every corner that I turn there is another challenge, because I won’t give up and I won’t give in, I continue to have to fight for what is right and just.
The Josh Hanson Trust has been set up to help advance, empower and support young children and adults through creative and physical activities, activities such as Art Therapy, expression through creative workshops, physical activities such as football, boxing, tennis, running etc yet I have another fight on my hands. I have yet to find a suitable venue to deliver these activities and after many meetings and enquires over the last 2 years with Brent Council I am still waiting to hear about an opportunity for us to take our charity forward, we need somewhere where we can create a safe place to offer hope to others who may not otherwise get a chance to realise their full potential.
I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that Josh is proud of all that we do in his name, he told Brooke to tell me that he is ‘living life’ and when you hear a stranger relay those words you have no doubts that you will see one another again so I need to get it right here on Earth and do all I can to help others in memory of Josh.
Brooke and I went to the Arthur Findlay College, a spiritualist college, on Monday as we wanted to speak to Josh. Our readings were very different, Brooke was with Josh for the full 25 minutes of her reading and I he was with me for maybe 5 as my Granny had a lot to say and my Dad wanted to talk to me too. We came away feeling so lifted knowing that we are just a room away from one another, in a different time zone but we also came away broken hearted too.
Josh was 21 years of age, just embarking on his journey of manhood when his life was taken from him. He should be here, it wasn’t in the stars, it wasn’t his destiny and God doesn’t take the good ones. SOB the man the police want to speak to in connection with Josh’s murder is who ended Josh’s life he took him and he needs to pay for what he has done.
If you can help us in anyway at all, please, please, please get in touch. If you can display the wanted posters home or away, I will send them out to you. If you know something, anything at all no matter how small, please make that call, it is never too late to help us to get justice for Josh.Bless you all always, stay safe and hug and kiss your loved ones whenever you get the opportunity.
Tracey ❤️???? #justiceforjoshhanson#27months #mySon #myangel
