Your laugh. Your smile. That beautiful, infectious joy.
Eleven years later, I can still watch this video and feel both the happiness, and the heartbreak of missing you. Sometimes it feels like yesterday; other times, like a lifetime ago.
I still struggle to comprehend that so much time has passed since I last held you close, heard your laughter in person or saw your beautiful smile looking back at me. I miss everything about you: the person you were, the life you should have lived and all the ordinary moments we never got to share together.
While time moves forward and I live it, my love for you stands still. You remain in my thoughts every day, in memories that make me smile, in the ache of missing you and in the moments when I wish I could tell you about my day.
I’ve thought a great deal about the distance between us: how you can be beyond my physical reach and yet remain so deeply present in my life. I’ve always believed there is so much more to life than what we can see. Since childhood, I’ve noticed signs, and extraordinary little moments that seem to arrive when we need them most. And I still experience them, sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they stop me in my tracks, and sometimes they bring comfort that words cannot explain.
I don’t need to understand every experience. Some things are simply felt. Like a sudden breeze when no windows are open, and the familiar smell of you.
We were connected by something that began long before you took your first breath. We share the same DNA, an unbreakable bond. The invisible thread between me and you reaching far beyond what we can see, touch or ever fully understand. Love doesn’t recognise distance.
Over these eleven years, I’ve experienced the deepest sadness alongside extraordinary kindness, unexpected joy and genuine gratitude. I’ve learned that grief and happiness can coexist; that laughter doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten, and that those rare moments of peace don’t lessen how much we miss someone. It has not been easy when the guilt of living without you is so strong but I know you want so much more for me.
Life hasn’t stood still, even when I’ve wished it would. There have been challenges, changes and moments when I’ve questioned everything I thought I knew. But there have also been discoveries and new perspectives that have reminded me life still has something to offer.
The past 11 years of my life have been devoted to sharing your story, honouring your memory and fighting for changes that might prevent another family from experiencing what we have. That will always be part of who I am.
My own story is still unfolding, and there are parts of life I am starting to explore. There are experiences I want to have and new ways of living, which I am curious to discover. I am bringing you on this journey with me Josh and continuing to live with the love you gave me, and a strength I’ve found along the way.
Perhaps that is what these eleven years have shown me: even when life changes beyond recognition, we can continue to change with it without losing the people or love that shaped us.
Through every life touched, story shared and act of kindness carried out in your name, your light continues to reach people you never had the chance to meet. But today, beyond everything these years have brought, I am simply your mum missing her beautiful boy, and always wishing for another conversation, another hug and another chance to hear your laugh.
When I watch this video, for a few precious moments, you are here again laughing, smiling and full of life. Reminding me of the joy of being your mum, I will always carry the love and the connection we share.
Eleven years apart. Forever connected. Always loved, forever remembered, and deeply missed, today and every day.
I love and miss you more than words can say Josh 💙
All my love Mum ♥️ #forever21 #grief #memories #traceysway
