Hello everyone I hope you are well. ❤️??
Since the murder of my beautiful Son Josh, with each month that passes it is as heartbreaking as the month before, and to be honest it is only getting more unbearable. From the very moment that I was told Josh was dead; and those words are as fresh today as they were 20 months ago, I took the option of survival and made a promise to Josh to stay strong for Brooke and my family and to fight for justice. Josh not being a part of mine, Brooke’s, or my family’s life here on Earth anymore can not be described in words, there are no words that can come close to the pain we live with on a daily basis.
Imagine going to bed with the knowledge that your children are safe and sound, only to be woken up to hear that your Son has been stabbed in the neck and then to be told while rushing to the scene of the crime with your daughter, that he is dead. Imagine it now, imagine right now this very minute while you look at your child, imagine hearing those words, try and live with it for a moment, feel the fear for a moment or even try to look at a photo of your child right now and try to imagine that that is all you have left, multiply that feeling by an infinite number and that will still not come close to how I feel. There is no trying to make it right, there is no talking it through and coming up with a solution, there is no solution, only the overwhelming feeling of failure. The failure that I can not put it right, and that I can not protect my Son or takeaway the pain that Brooke feels everyday, hits me hard. I go over the events that led up to Josh’s death over and over and over again and see myself stopping it from happening, playing out all the different scenarios but nothing can change what has happened and this feeling eats me alive.
Living with the flashbacks is a daily struggle they make you anxious, depressed short tempered and emotionally unstable. These flashbacks can be set off when I hear a sudden noise like a bird flying out of a tree or a car bibbing it’s horn, it’s the unexpected. The worst flashbacks that stay with you are those that come through tragedy especially when another life has been taken by knife crime. Every time I read that another life has been taken; and it is happening every day, I am transported back in time and feel the pain of the families who are at the very beginning of their grief and I relive every moment of what happened to my Son all over again.
While I continue with my therapy and push foward with our justice campaign and our charity I try and work through these life changing events, but I am constantly challenged. I never expected to find myself having to cope with the devastating news that our family home would be have to be sold, so soon after Josh’s death. Having to show estate agents around while they take photos and take measurements of our home and to see our home on the open market has been so hard and the pressure of not knowing where we will be or when we will have to leave has caused us so much pain, anxiety and stress. I never thought that Brooke and I would lose people in our lives that we thought we there for us because of their love for Josh either and I never thought that we would have to deal with the lack of comapssion shown to us by those who did and do not understand our grief.
Just watching what is happening in the world, and the disparities, from those with great wealth who are never satisfied to those who are starving and just need one meal to make all the difference between life and death, sends me into despair. Living in a world where there is so much uncertainty, anxiety, aggression, hatred, insecurity, jealousy, paranoia and unpredictability saddens me. It has always saddened me and it is heartbreaking not having Josh to talk to about these things because he had a heart of gold and he would always say “don’t worry about anything Mum, i’ve got you”. Josh is saddened by all of this too and sends Brooke and I signs to let us know he is with us, and we are truly blessed to have such a strong angel watching over us. He also sends me the determination and strength I need to help others.
I choose to be as positive as I can in spite of my pain and I refuse to let fear or anger take over but instead send out love and compassion. I believe you are a stronger person if you can love and show compassion and I believe only good can come from it. I also believe that by living this way you will eventually eek out those who cause you pain and in turn attract like minded people into your life. That belief has kept me in good stead as I have some of the most caring and loving people in my life right now and for that I am truly grateful.
I usually like to share a photo of Josh with you each month to mark his anniversary but this time I am sharing two very short video clips of Josh of happier times doing what he loved best, being at a festival with Reece Rozay. And as heartbreaking as it is for me to watch videos of Josh or to look at photos of him at the moment I know that it is all I have left along with my memories of him and I need to celebrate him always and the love I have for him and to share it. Look at his smile, so very beautiful inside and out ??.
I love you Josh and Brooke Louise Lyla Hanson always and forever.