Hello everyone I hope you are well.
This past month has not only been heartbreaking as is everyday, but it has also been a learning curve for me. Every single breath I take without Josh; 21 months today, is a heartache and when I say heartache I mean my heart actually aches. Only a parent who has lost their child especially to murder or manslaughter knows this pain. It is a grief that is also referred to as ‘complicated grief’ due to it’s nature by various psychologists. So not only am I trying to cope with the loss of my beautiful Josh, I am trying to make sense of his murder. The man the police would like to speak to in connection with Josh’s murder is still out there living his life while my Son is not and the complications just build up. Complicated because we have had no closure in terms of justice, complicated because my Son was ripped from my life in a split second for no reason whatsoever and complicated because I am doing everything I possibly can to avoid grieving by keeping myself busy for fear that I may breakdown and not be able to fight for my Son. I am keeping busy by constantly raising awareness to Josh’s totally unprovoked murder and the campaign to get justice for him. I am also keeping busy with The Josh Hanson Trust to help find positive solutions and raise awareness of knife crime.
The months are flying by, the 11th of every month for the rest of my life will bring me to my knees which will continue to have a life changing effect on me and each month brings with it another time to reflect along with the flashbacks.
This month has felt as if someone has tipped a truck load of rubbish on top of me and it has opened my eyes to the good and bad in people like never before. I have learned more about compassion and the lack of it like never before and I have been humbled by so many kind hearted and loving people who genuinely do what they do because their heart’s are pure. And I have also been shocked by those who through their own fears and anger have shown their true selves to be cruel and unkind in a world where we need more compassion not less.
There have been times this month when I have felt that I can not take anymore as it has been one thing after the other and I have yearned for my Son so much that I have been in the darkest of places, I miss him and his reassurance and ‘our time’ together.
Thankfully my faith and spiritual belief has given me so much hope and in the darkest of moments I have pulled myself back up.
Josh my beautiful Son is proud of all of those who support Brooke and I and he is also there to remind me that he knows I am fighting his corner as he sends me signs when I get back up to fight another day and this more than anything helps me to keep going. He knows that I will get the justice he deserves when our time in court comes. He also knows that I will never let anyone forget him and I will do all I can to help others in his name.
I would like to send a massive thank you to all of the wonderful people in my life who help me to breathe when I am suffocating you have no idea how much you mean to me. To those who support me with you kind words and actions and to those who continue to stand by us in our campaign for justice, thank you from the bottom of my heart.