Two years and 8 months without my Josh and without justice for his murder.
Whenever I write anything and believe me I write, the rage and the pain that I have inside of me seems to stay just below my chest bone. I write letters and emails every single day, pushing for this, asking for that, and it is never ending because for every letter or email that I send the replies that I get back; and they are not that forthcoming, are directing me somewhere else or to someone else, and so I start again in my fight for justice for Josh. While I do all I can to advance the manhunt for SOB the rage just bubbles away, it just sits there right in my chest, it doesn’t want to come out because it will have nowhere to go. With no arrest, no trial and no peace of mind knowing that this part of the fight is over I can not grieve for Josh in private and have him all to myself. I desperately need space to try and accept what has happened but I am just hovering in limbo.
Every new day means that it is another day on this planet without Josh and that comes with a confusion too as the sharp pain that was with me everyday now comes in waves, the waves hit me when I least expect them, there are so many different triggers and there is no warning and it takes my breath away, it brings me right back to the night I lost my beautiful boy. Now more often than not my grief is being taken over by a constant dull heavy ache throughout my body it is like another body within my body that I carry around with me. I know this is going to sound very strange but the dull ache is not the same as the sharp sting of grief because for me I yearn for that harder more ripping pain because it brings me closer to Josh, it is rawer. I want to scream and cry out in the night more often, like I used to. I want to feel drained and exhausted from hours of screaming so that my body is so worn out that I can feel closer to death. I don’t like the dull ache because I have more days where I am coping better and the emotions and feelings that I had before my boy was taken from me are becoming more familiar. Somedays I can walk down the road like the old Tracey could and I can focus on conversations for a little bit longer than a few minutes and this makes me sad because I am moving closer away from the constant onslaught of the griping pain that keeps me closer to Josh’s absence.
I know as you are reading this you will be thinking well that’s good isn’t it, Josh would want you to be happier and ‘living life’ like he used to?. Yes I hear you and I understand where you are coming from but if you haven’t lost one of the beats to your heart you can never know the way my heart and mind now operates. I know for those who like me who have lost their child, they too yearn and pray for a miracle for the universe to have made a huge mistake and that they feel closer to their children when grief is more gripping, they understand me and that is a huge comfort because it is a very isolating life we all now left to live.
Why, why did this have to happen to my Josh, why? He had his whole life ahead of him, he had so many more smiles and so much more laughter to share. The rest of my life will be spent in mourning, it will change and it will feel different as time goes on but it will always be with me, this other person that I now carry around inside of me.
Spending the day at my nieces baby shower yesterday with our families in the most beautiful of settings, surrounded by trees and flowers I could see Josh walking towards me in his summer attire with a glass of champagne in his hand saying you cool Mum, yea?
Thank you all for all of your support everyday, you have no idea just how much it means to me. Lots of love from me, my family and most importantly from Josh ❤️????xx