My beautiful Son Josh, 23 months today and here I am another month on the 11th writing a post to you on FB, talking to you and sharing my journey with all of those who know you and with all of those who have known you since you were brutally and horrifically murdered. I can’t speak to you face to face, I can’t touch you, hold you or kiss you, I can’t smell your familiar scent and I can’t laugh with you or tell you to be quite for a minute while I hear the end of something on the TV.
I have been having heart wrenching and disturbing flashbacks, you are laid out in the mortuary, cold and alone, my baby, my beautiful Son without a heartbeat and I lean over you kissing your ice cold face, kissing your ice cold hands and then kissing you on the lips hoping and praying that you are going to jump up like it is one big joke.
I was watching Snow White with Brooke last night and said, do you think if I kissed Josh on the lips long enough he would have come back to life? Brooke looked at me and smiled with her broken heart and said no Mum he wouldn’t have.
I was expecting to see you on the Sunday morning, not having known that you were out on the Saturday night because you had made a last minute decision to go out and meet up with Reece and your friends. I was in bed asleep when the phone call came to tell me you had been stabbed, stabbed where I said, in the neck, I was told…I prayed but I thought, in the neck OMG, please God no, please let me save my baby.
Why couldn’t I have made changes in our life where things would have been different, where you would still be here today with us, why did you have to be brutalised for no reason whatsoever, WHYYYYYYYYY? ?
I dreamt of you the other night and your face and hands were disfigured and covered in blood, I was talking to you in my mind, why did he do this to you Josh?, I turned to my right and you were there with your beautiful fresh face full of life and you said I don’t know why he did this to me Mum ????.
I am a broken woman, I fight everyday for you Josh, I fight for a new appeal, I fight for victims, I fight for justice, I fight for everything and do my best to raise awareness of knife crime, and it makes no sense to me, not any of it, I find myself looking into the distance and wishing I was somewhere on my own, somewhere I could pretend that nothing had happened to you and that you are just on holiday.
At our Memorial Football Tournament I imagined you were sitting with your friends and didn’t look over because I knew I would have made the fantasy a lie because you would be the only one missing.
I am sick to my stomach that we have not come face to face with your murderer, to see who has caused this life changing experience to us, your family, friends, work colleagues, acquaintances and to those who never had the opportunity to meet you but know through others.
I love you so much Josh and know you are with me, I just wished there was a key to the room that you are in so I could use it to open the door and be right beside you. I will keep fighting and I will, with the help of everyone who loves you and those who love those who love you get justice for you.
Love and hugs from Mum, your are always in my heart, my soul and every breath I take Josh, God and the Angels are looking after you for now ❤️??????xxxxxx